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Why do we get so effected by arguments?

Updated: Jun 2, 2020

I’ve recently been coming across many clients and friends who are currently having issues, arguments or misunderstandings with ‘significant others’ and feel so depleted of energy by it all.

Why do we get so affected by these arguments? To argue takes us out of our natural or neutral state of being.  We sometimes start the argument, and other times the other person does. Regardless, no one feels good and no one wins.  Is it a build up of frustration because of unsaid things?  Is it that we are just tired and irritable and have reached our limit?  Are we just too busy and have no time to do our regular tasks and we drop the ball, leaving others reacting in frustration?

Whatever the cause, it's amazing how it can bring us to almost a complete stand still.  We feel sad and not balanced.  We tend to over think what was said, what we wanted to say and waste so much time justifying why we are right or why they are wrong or, the best part – what you could have said now you’ve had more time to think.  Then we can go through the worst case scenarios and before you know it, you are eating the wrong things, you are not eating at all, or not sleeping.

Over thinking this will not serve you.  Sometimes by trying to relax yourself and removing yourself from the thought, the physical location or the person, you will have time to calm down and re-assess.

The funny thing is, when you have calmed down, you begin to see the fight for what it was. It is usually only one or two minor inconveniences that has altered the way in which you or the other person acts. These inconveniences are usually things such as being tired or being irritated by external, sometimes unrelated, events.

Anger management, How to communicate effectively, life coach
Anger management

A few simple steps to calm down are;

  • Deep slow breathing in a separate space;

  • Take a bath with relaxing music and candles;

  • Watch a nice movie at home or out;

  • Go and have a coffee with a friend (but try not to talk about it – “paralysis by analysis”!);

  • Cuddle your children or pet and give some love.

Once you have calmed down, the calmness almost sheds a light on the situation and you automatically feel better.  It’s from this position that you can gain your own energy back and take a little bit more control – not just in terms of the argument but in terms of your life at that given moment.

After you have established a sense of calmness, try to coach yourself. Ask yourself: What is his or her point when you remove all the heated words.  Do they feel they are not being heard, or lacking the attention and love they desire? Having a clearer understanding of why certain things annoy your partner will save you from many arguments down the track.

Make it simple for yourself, and don’t play the blame game, but rather try to soften the situation by apologising or simply saying “I don’t want to argue with you”. This diffuses the situation which then leads to a calmer conversation.

Remember – sometimes the reason that people argue is because they care and ultimately want to love you more. Soften, listen and negotiate and you will find that both yourself and your partner can be satisfied.

Alexandra Andrews

Life & Business Coach

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