Updated: Jun 2, 2020
How does our story compare with someone else’s?
Do we ever catch ourselves saying:
I would love their life? They wouldn’t understand they don’t know what I’m going through.
Is the grass greener on the other side?
If we took our own problems or issues and grouped them together and threw them on the table for everyone else to look at, then considered if they prefer someone’s’ problems more than there own, guess what..! They most probably would go home with their original problem. It is our own problem, we own it. It feels comfortable in the uncomfortableness of it.
If we do choose to take someone else’s problem home with us, we are thrown into a world that is not ours and we have no ownership of it. If we off load our problem in the short term it can come back to bite us down the track, until we get the message.
Our problems are there for us to learn something from. Try and find the resources to fix it or get to the stage of acceptance, forgiveness or change in order to cope.
As we all fire along in our careers, relationships and self growth and learning, at some point life throws us something a little bitter. It’s only in contrast between the good and bad stuff that we can truly see the difference.
How can we appreciate the good when we have nothing of the extreme? We then know which place feels better for us.
Life is busy. We all get that. Every single person will say that at some stage, some much more than others.
When we worry about a certain problem, we are entrenched in that problem.
“He said”, “She said”, “They will do,” “They won’t do,” etc, etc. Some feel that if they think about it and turn it over and over in their mind they will find the answer. For some they ring their “life line” friend and mull it over in conversation after conversation. I’m exhausted even just saying that.
After each of these scenarios the energy that we are left to cope with is already spent.
We all go through a process that is individual to us -fear, shock, resentment, love, forgiveness acceptance, hatred etc.
Sometimes in stopping and reflecting on the problem with acceptance and non-judgment, we can see and feel a little more peace. It doesn’t necessarily mean that it disappears but the frame of mind that we are left in, would set us up for a more meaningful, harmonious experience.
In a perfect world, wouldn’t it be great if we did have a problem that we could work out the ‘silver lining’ quickly and move on?
The resistance to change is painful in itself. So why resist? Yes you can fight for what you want but do you really want something that may not want you or create an unnatural existence?
The key and main factor to surviving is to view the benefit. Start small. Once you have calmed down a bit, force yourself to think of the benefit of the situation. How will you cope and change to create a better place? Imagine a perfect scenario of how this could work out for the best. This is your baby, be as creative as you like.
Let’s start with the change we want to see. We can’t change others so it’s up to us to seek that change within our selves.
What pushes our buttons? Your boss? Your husband? Children? Friend’s? In-laws? What is it, in us, that push our buttons? Could we just remove that button for a little while? Have a break?
I friend of mine’s husband came home and told her and her two beautiful children that he had met someone else and was going to leave them and marry another lady. As anyone could imagine the sheer shock and hurtfulness that was felt was almost too much to bear.
She sought friends and professional help to cope. She needed to find internal strength to keep herself together and for her children. Even with the help of friends and professionals, she needed to learn to cope and find her own inner resources. She went through self doubt, self-criticism, self-worth and all the things that we do to ourselves in a crisis. No body could help take the true pain and loneliness away. No one could actually fix it. How was she going to cope and where would she turn? She was a mum who didn’t work and her whole family was overseas.
The process allowed her to finally come to acceptance. She was then able to put down the pain and look to the future. She wasn’t sure what that future would hold for her however she was looking ahead and not behind.
Now down the track she is much happier. She has had to push herself out of her comfort zone, buy a new house, re-build most of it and has had to source the finance, but most importantly she has done this herself. She is so proud of herself.
Would she have chosen this if she had a choice? Probably not, however she coped and moved on with a strength that no body else could ever take away.
The example of her strength not only benefited her but her children. The children saw the best example of a woman who rose to the challenge. The children have also built a great inner resource.
When I used to see this lady before the divorce, I saw a lady who was quiet, ladylike and didn’t really talk much, shoulders hunched over slightly in a ‘please forgive me way’ but now the lady I see is tall, well groomed, sexy, together and confident. Her energy is a total transformation.
It’s not what we haven’t done that we remember it’s the things we have done. Our own war stories.
By Alexandra Andrews